Khitba (marriage proposal)

الخِطبة (طلب الزواج)

Khitba, with a short vowel on the kha, is the verb khataba, to propose marriage to a woman; the marriage contract gives ownership of enjoyment by intent between a man and a woman free of legal bar; the proposal comes before it and does not carry its effects. ¹ The proposal is usually a means to marriage and not a condition of it; the majority permit it, and the Shafiis prefer it, following the Prophet ﷺ's proposals to Aisha and Hafsa. ¹ Proposing to an unmarried woman with no waiting period is lawful, directly or by hint, by agreement; proposing to a married woman is forbidden; proposing to one barred by an impediment, such as a Magian woman until she accepts Islam, is not lawful. ¹² A proposal to a woman in waiting varies by her state: a direct proposal to another man's waiting woman is forbidden by agreement, on the Quranic verse that distinguishes hint from express offer; a hint is what admits of the desire to marry or of something else. ²³ A hint to a woman in a revocable waiting period is forbidden by agreement; a hint to a widow is permitted; a hint to a woman divorced irrevocably is permitted by the Malikis, the Shafiis in the preferred view and the Hanbalis, while the Hanafis and a Shafii view forbid it if it causes enmity with the former husband; a hint to a woman in the waiting period of an invalid marriage or a dissolution is permitted by most. ³⁴ On the answer to a proposal: the woman or her guardian's answer has the same lawfulness as the proposal; a widow may answer by hint, but not openly, and the same goes for other women in waiting. ⁵ A proposal by a pilgrim in ihram is disliked by most, on the report of Uthman that the pilgrim neither marries, is married, nor proposes; the Hanafis allow it in ihram. ⁵ Who is approached: a compelled woman through her guardian; a woman of sound mind may be approached on her own behalf, as the Prophet approached Umm Salama for Hatib. ⁵⁶ A guardian is advised to offer his ward to the righteous and learned, as the father of the two daughters offered one to Moses and Umar offered Hafsa to Uthman and then to Abu Bakr. ⁶ Concealing the proposal is recommended by the Malikis and most jurists, but announcing the contract is recommended. ⁶ Proposing over another's proposal: most jurists forbid it once the woman has inclined to the first suitor, on the report of Ibn Umar; al-Nawawi reports agreement that the prohibition is absolute. ⁶⁷ When the prohibition applies: the Shafiis and Hanbalis require that the first suitor was accepted, not withdrawn, not refused, and that the second knows; the Shafiis add explicit acceptance; the Hanbalis accept a hint of acceptance; the Malikis require inclination and that the first suitor is not a sinner. ⁷ A contract made after a forbidden proposal stands according to most jurists, though some Malikis require it dissolved if the inclination continues. ⁸ Looking at the woman proposed to is lawful by agreement, recommended for the Hanafis, Malikis, Shafiis and some Hanbalis, on the report of Mughira ibn Shu'ba that looking helps love between them; the Hanbalis require the wish to marry and a likely acceptance, the Hanafis only the wish to marry. ⁸⁹ Consent or knowledge of the woman or her guardian is not required by most; the Hanbalis require safety from temptation, the others do not. ⁹¹⁰ What may be seen: the face and the two hands are allowed by the Hanafis, Malikis and Shafiis; the Hanbalis allow what usually shows, such as the face, neck, hand and foot, though one report allows only the face, and the school's preferred view is the wider. ¹⁰ A woman of sound mind may adorn herself and show herself to suitors; the Hanafis count the dressing of daughters as a sunna. ¹⁰¹¹ A suitor may look again as needed until he knows her state, no further than need; touching is not allowed, nor privacy. ¹¹¹² A suitor may send a woman to see the proposed bride and describe her, even what he may not see, since the need is great; the Malikis allow him to send a man too. ¹² If the suitor sees a woman and does not like her, he should keep silent and not say he does not want her, since that hurts. ¹³ Whoever is asked about a suitor or a woman must name the defects, religious or customary, as advice and not as harm; this is not forbidden backbiting when the purpose is warning, as in the case of Fatima bint Qays and Muawiya and Abu Jahm; whoever is asked about himself must state his case; some Shafiis separate the defects that give a right to annul from those that only lessen desire. ¹³¹⁴ A preliminary sermon before the proposal is recommended: praise of God, prayer on the Prophet, counsel to piety, then the declaration of coming as a suitor, with the sermon of need reported from Ibn Mas'ud as the model. ¹⁴¹⁵ Withdrawal: the Shafiis and Hanbalis hold the proposal a promise, not a binding contract, and the guardian may withdraw for the woman's interest; the woman may withdraw if she dislikes the suitor; withdrawal without cause is disliked; the Malikis dislike leaving a woman who inclined to the suitor. ¹⁵ Recovering gifts and maintenance: the Hanafis recover a gift given for the dowry if it still exists, not what is lost or used; the Malikis allow gifts but not maintenance to a waiting woman; the Shafiis recover what was spent with the marriage in view, the thing or its value; the Hanbalis hold that gifts before the contract return if the promise fails, and after the contract return on a voluntary separation before consummation. ¹⁵¹⁶